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14 Things Only Felons Know

14 things only felons know... Why cry when you can laugh.

Here is a little bit of humor that may alleviate some of your frustrations. Feel free to add to this list in the comments section at the end of the post!


14 Things Only Felons Know!


1) Famous defense attorney quotes

  • I am to busy to answer your question.
  • Oh, that was your court date, sorry!
  • I’m glad i’m not you
  • Don’t worry, it’s only ten years.
  • So….
  • I can’t guarantee anything… Not even if I will show up to court.
  • What is an appeal? Oh you mean the thing around an orange?


2) You’re fired

So you got my background check back, right? I am glad that you felt I was great choice for the position after three interviews, passing your test and jumping through your hoops. I understand… After all I did have a felony from 60 years ago for Vandalism! A could revert to my old ways and spray paint every loaf of bread in the store!


3) Now Renting!

Wait… We don’t mean to you! Sorry…. I sure you will find something. Really? I’m not! Hey is ok if I borrow a cardboard box?


4) Restitution

You must pay for your crime, literally. That should be easy with all of the job choices I have.


5) Parole is…

The department of incompetent babysitters?


6) Vote

Oh yea for some reason I am not allowed to vote because I  could “steal the election.” Oh wait, it’s because all politicians are clean as a whistle and never commit a crime or make a mistake. It’s not because they have all the power and money…. right?


7) What did…

You do? Ever here that question before?


8) Oh my god he is a ____.

  • Felon
  • Criminal
  • Dangerous
  • Offender
  • Ex-offender
  • Gangster

Do you ever feel labeled? Naaa…


9) So what is prison like?

OMG it is so cool, I loved the field trips. Oh and the mystery meat substance with the green tint is oh so amazing. Just like mom use to make.


10) I’m scared of you, are you going to…

Only if you make me really mad! Grrrr… Run he’s turning green!


11) Rehabilitation, counseling and self help programs

This is where you outsmarted 99% of everyone else in society. Celebrities pay thousands of dollars for these programs and you got them for free on the inside!


12) I’m Muslim

Actually I just like the food!


13) The right to a free court appointed defense attorney

They should change this too “the right to a free court appointed defense ________”

  • Monkey
  • Almost a bad lawyer
  • Dropout


14) You’re Hired!

As we all know it is really easy to get a job with a felony on your record if you are willing to work for free.

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